So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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