I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
