dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
