I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
He uses pillows to masturbate.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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