Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
