im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
