Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
