I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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