I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
last night I used snow as a chaser
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
