eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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