Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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