I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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