dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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