I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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