I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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