I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
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I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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