Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
