birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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