Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
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I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
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Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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