I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
