if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
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Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
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Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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