and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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