It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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