woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
