i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
