I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
