girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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