I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
