can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
