K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
