It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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