I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
