He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You ate ashes out of my bong
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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