mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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