wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
50% drunk capacity currently
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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