Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
