I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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