she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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