My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you traded sex for a burrito?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
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