I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
