i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
