did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
