Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Dear god my vagina.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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