Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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