i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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