...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
