so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Alive.
So much puke
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
