Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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