Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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