My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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