I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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