So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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