I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
