i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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