it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
