Three words: puerto rican gang bang
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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