when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You're a disaster
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